Little things

You know, I really don't get people.  Why do people go to the register with the light off and no one standing at it rather than the register with the light on and a cashier standing at it?  The answer: People are stupid.  Damn stupid.

It's often been said that the customer is always right.  I would like to point out that customers who think like this are not always right.  In this case, the customer is either:

A. Wrong

B. An Idiot

C. An Asshole

D. All of the above

Fortunately, no customers have used this phrase in my presence.  If they do, I'll scream.  At them.

Another thing I've noticed recently: Cards.  Why do people put the cards in the envelopes before they get their stuff rung up?  Don't these morons realize that I have to take them out to scan them?  Please, arrange your cards so the cards are not in the envelopes and the bar codes are facing out.  

It's been a while

Man, it's been a while.  And have I got stories for you.  I've just been too busy lately to update the blog.  An update on Bob: He's been fired.  Well, not fired.  He left, saying he got another job, "an offer he couldn't refuse".  We all doubt that story though, and figure he realized he was about to be fired.

A couple weeks ago we had a customer come in looking for various balloons.  I looked and saw that we didn't have some of the ones she wanted.  She then asked if she could just take the ones taped on the wall for display only.  I told her we couldn't do that.  She then asked to speak to the manager on duty, who was one of the AMs.  He comes up and tells her the exact thing we just did: We can't sell the balloons on display.  To which this old bag replies "It's not that you can't, is that you're not willing to do what makes the customer happy."

Cue rage mode.  From me.  Umm, no lady, you're wrong.  It would be much easier for us to give you the ones on display just to get your sorry ass of a human out our door.  How dare you be so presumptuous as to assume that we're just being lazy.  We have things called rules and policies we have to follow, and we're not about to lose our jobs over it.

On another note, how hard is it to figure out which register is open?  When did this stop being common sense? You go to the one where the light is ON!  If I am at my register and the light is off and someone else is standing at a register where the light is on, do not come to my register.  I am not open.  I'm probably clocking in or ending my shift or clocking out for my break.  Coming to my register when my light is off will not get you anywhere; it's just going to piss me off.  If there's only one register with a light on, as is usually the case, go to that one!  Don't stand there like a buffoon trying to figure out which register is open.  You know, this really wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't for the fact that 99 percent of our customers are too stupid to figure out on their own which register is open.

Oh, and don't ask me if I can call another register to be open when the line gets a little long.  If I could, I would.    
Period.  But sometimes I can't for various reasons.  Deal with it.

Open Registers and Such

I am sick and tired of people asking me which register is open.  HELLO!  The one with the light on!  I thought that was a common sense thing.  You go to the register with the light that is ON!  There are also people who keep asking where our batteries or glasses are, both of which we keep at the front in plain sight.  If these people would spend thirty seconds looking for this, they wouldn't have to ask!

On another note, the other night I had an Indian couple come through my line.  They got about thirty boxes of movie theater type candy.  Of course, these boxes aren't heavy, so to save bags, I filled each bag before moving on to a new bag.  The man got so upset with the fact that I was doing this.  He started complaining when I filled the first bag "don't make them too heavy!  See now I want you to double bag this because it's too heavy!"  Umm, it's fucking boxes of candy, THEY'RE NOT HEAVY!

At our store, we have two types of carts: Black and grey.  The grey ones lock up automatically in the lobby and won't go outside.   The grey ones will go outside.  The Indian couple had gotten a grey cart, so I was stuck with the dismay of having to explain the carts to them.  The man seemed unable to comprehend the fact that we do have carts that will go outside and said "I need men to help us bring our stuff outside."  Umm, no.  There's only two of us and we are both busy helping other customers.  Get yourself a cart and bring it outside yourself.

Update on Bob:
The other night I found out that our DM was going to be paying a visit the next day.  The manager on duty was allowed to call someone in to help clean up the store.  And who does he call in?  Bob!  Of all people he calls in Bob!  Suffice it to say that our store manager was pretty pissed the next morning when she found out he had called in Bob of all people.

Oi

I'm not feeling well today.  But I had to work.  Of course, by the end of my shift I was ready to get the hell outta there.  But as the manager on duty was taking my till out of my register to count it down, this happened:

Customer with annoyingly high-pitched, squeaky (Think The Nanny but with a somewhat smoother and higher, yet still as squeaky), voice (or Bitch for short): I need help with balloons! Bitch only waits one or two seconds before yelling out no one can help me with the balloons.

Manager on duty (to me): Go help her with the balloons.

Me: Which balloons would you like?

Bitch: Three of these, three of these, one of each of these four...oh, and throw in one of these.

Me: Ugh.  I proceed to pull out the balloons she asked for, only to find we don't have half the balloons she wants.  Ma'am we don't have these ones.

She then takes forever to decide which ones to get instead, only to arrive at this:
Bitch: But you have the ones on display (we keep one of each balloon taped on the wall in the balloon area for display ONLY.)

Me: Ma'am, those are display only.  They aren't for sale.  Bitch continues to whine.  Another manager on duty comes over.  The customer asks him to let her buy some of the display balloons.


Manager: Ma'am, those aren't for sale, they're display only, and they've been up there for so long that they aren't even good anymore.

Bitch: Could you check for me?

It was at this point that the intervening manager mercifully sent me to finish counting down my till and clock out.


Another event that happened today:
A customer wanted to do an exchange.  We can't do refunds--corporate policy.  We also aren't supposed to exchange things for food items, because food items aren't taxable and we'd end up owing the customer money.  This customer wanted to bring back some plastic flowers and get food in exchange.  When we told her she couldn't do that I swear she almost cried.  Get a grip lady.

On a completely unrelated note:
My university recently formed a new fraternity.  At the meeting today the officers were introduced.  Eventually they got to me and introduced me as the PR/Media guy.  This would have been fine HAD I BEEN MADE AWARE OF THIS APPARENT DEVELOPMENT BEFOREHAND!  You don't introduce officers to a bunch of new members unless said officers are aware that they are officers beforehand.

Hell, I don't even know what to do here.  Literally, I know nothing about this.  I designed the website for a related club, but it was through one of those free service websites where you have no control over the layout.  And in that club we have a separate guy for media and PR.  Why the fuck do they think I know anything about this?!

Running late?

I just don't get some people.  Actually, I don't get a lot of people.  But I especially don't get the people who think that just because THEY'RE running late it means that they get to cut in front of other people.  Just the other night, I had a line.  There were only two registers open because there were only two employees working.  There was a woman towards the back who yelled up to me and asked me if I she could go ahead and get checked out because she was running late.

Well, not wanting to upset the customers in front of her, I told her that it was up to the other customers as to whether or not she could skip them.  The women then asked the women running the other register (aka the manager) and the manager simply restated what I had already said.  

So the customer started asking.  The first few people in front of her let her go, but at some point someone said no.  Fine with me, not my problem.  She fumed and swore every few seconds, but she wasn't being that disruptive and no one was complaining so I just ignored her.   

She gets up to my register, starts swearing a little louder, complains about how we have horrible customer service.  I'm inclined to agree with that sentiment--we should have served our customers by kicking her out.  

It's been a while...

Man, it's been a while since my last post.  And things are just as crazy as ever.  An update on Bob: He is on the verge of being fired.  I just hope he doesn't realize it.

You know, if I could have one wish, it would be that we cashiers would be allowed to tell people how idiotic they seem when they ask a stupid question, or how annoyed we are when they pay a two dollar and fourteen cent total with a twenty.  Hell, just yesterday someone called in and asked if we had kiddie pools!  Seriously lady?!  Below are some responses I wish I could give to common idiotic questions/situations:

Customer walks in and immediately asks where the batteries are:
Me: Look around you lazy bum, they're right behind you.

Customer: Walks into the store, comes up to me, and simply says (Insert product here).  No "Do you have" or anything, just  (insert product here)
Me: F you.

Customer: Pays with a twenty for their two-dollar total.
Me: I'm sorry, you must have us confused with a bank.  The bank is right across the street.  We're a freaking dollar store.

Customer: Runs to the front of the line, skipping everyone else, waves a product in my face, throws money at me, then runs out.
Me: Umm, no, lady.  You have to wait in line like everyone else.  I don't give half a damn if you're in a rush, you should have planned better.

Customer: Puts soap/other product in candy by registers.
Me: Ma'am/sir, I realize you probably didn't pass first grade, so I'm gonna help you out: That product is actually over there, what you were about to put it with was the candy.

Customer's kids are making a ruckus and customer is doing nothing to stop them.
Me: GTFO my store.

Me: Obviously helping a customer.
Another customer: Waves hands, whistles for me to come.
Me: Gives the birdie.

The other day, Bob, whom I introduced in my previous post, was scheduled to come in about an hour after I was scheduled to come in.  Bob walks up to the assistant manager on duty and asks if he is really needed that day, and if it would be alright if he didn't come to his shift (why he didn't just call is beyond us) because he had a physics project to work on.  The assistant manager said it was okay for him to miss his shift.

I was relieved that I wasn't going to have to put up with him, but I was still aggravated.  It's the principle of the matter.  The guy went home early a couple weeks ago because his back hurt.  What he doesn't seem to get is all our backs hurt sometimes while on the job, but we don't wimp out.  Secondly, he's called out sick about three times since then (keep in mind that this was just a couple of weeks ago) so he has the NERVE to ask off to finish his physics project?!

It's early Sunday evening!  What the hell was he doing all weekend?  I'm a college student, I had four exams coming up that week to study for, plus a Powerpoint presentation that I was going to have to give the next day, yet I came, didn't even think about asking off, and did my shift.  God I hope Bob gets fired.  Soon.

Breaks and new hires

Okay, so our company is very strict with breaks.  And not in the way you'd think.  We can get in a lot of trouble if we miss a break, or if our break is even a minute too short.  This is company policy.  And I wish people would realize that, no, no matter how long the line is, an associate cannot open up their register if said associate is on break.  Get over it.

On another note, we already have more employees than we really need.  My boss kept all but two of the holiday employees, so our hours now average around nine to fifteen a week.  Why he didn't let more of the holiday employees go after the holidays is beyond me.  One of them, we'll call him Bob, has the worst work ethic.  He's very slow at the register, horrible at recovery.  He's also downright annoying.  Customers routinely complain about him.  And yet my boss keeps him.

My boss is the greatest, but I don't think he makes the best choices as far as hiring is concerned.  I feel like, and I know that this sentiment is shared by at least one of the assistant managers, he hires/keeps people out of pity.  For example, you know how I just mentioned in the previous paragraph that we already have too many employees?  Well just the other day he hired ANOTHER employee.  What makes it worse is that this lady BARELY speaks English.  Ugh.

My Own Store

You know, sometimes I really wish I could run my own independent store.  Perhaps I will someday.  If I do, I will run it by these basic rules, which will also go up on a sign on the doors:

What We Expect of our Employees:
1. Show up on time, well-dressed and well-groomed.
2. Cellphones and other electronic devices off.
3. Provide exemplary customer service
4. Be curteous to our customers.
Violation of these simple rules will be grounds for termination of employment.


What We Expect Of Our Customers:
1. Be courteous to our employees.  Employees have the right to ignore extremely rude customers.
2. Refrain from texting or talking on your phone when checking out.  The decision as to whether or not to check out a customer who is texting or talking on their cell phone is the sole discretion of the employee.
3. If there's a line, be curteous and have your form of payment out when you get to the checkout counter.
4. If you have children, control them.  Don't let them make a mess of the store.
5. We are not a bank.  We will not accept bills that are more than twenty dollars larger than your total.  We will not accept all change for orders more than four dollars.
Failure to follow these simple rules may result in your removal from the store.

Food stamps

This post is a Two For One Special.  The other day I had two customers in my line.  I rang up the first man, who reeked of ciggarate smoke.  He got several of those little Five Hour Energy bottles.  I asked him (as I am required to do) if he wanted to purchase any candy from our register area.  He very angrily replied "Do I ever buy candy here?!"  Look, I don't care if you're a regular or not, I see hundreds of people per shift.  I'm not going to remember everyone.  And we have a bunch of regulars, so again, I'm not going to remember everyone.  Being asked if you would like to purchase candy is no reason to be a jackass about it.

The next customer came up and gave her the customary "Hello.  How are you?"  To which she replied "Good now that he's gone."  She went on about how she "can't stand ignorant people" and "how was I supposed to know he never bought candy?"  As I was scanning this customer's order and listening to her, I thought to myself  "I don't care what this customer does, I will love this customer forever."

Seriously, I love it when customers can relate to me like that and are aware of my frustration and even share it.  I finished ringing this customer's order up, which consisted of forty dollars of candy and a few drinks.  She went on to tell me about how her mother was visiting and was making the ultra-long drive home the next day so she wanted to get some candy for her mother for the ride home.  She then pays for it with a food stamp and says "This is why food stamps are great."  Warning: Controversy ahead.

My love for this customer instantly vanished.  Why does candy even qualify for food stamps in the first place!?  You're using MY tax dollars to get a ridiculous amount of candy for YOUR mother to eat on the way home?!  Really?!

Void where prohibited

Yesterday at work my item voids were pretty high--9 during my shift.  Now, for those who don't work in retail who are reading this blog, item voids are when you delete an item that you've already scanned for a purchase, usually because either the customer has changed his/her mind or you accidentally scanned something twice.

For some reason, management and corporate make a big deal out of item voids.  They hate item voids.  They get upset with us when we have too many.  But seriously, I don't get what the big deal is.  Can anyone enlighten me on this?

On an unrelated note

People who park on the street.  WHY?!  There are several people who park on the street in my neighborhood.  It's a pain in the ass, especially when two people park their cars directly across the street from each other.  The curves on the streets in my neighborhood aren't very significant, but they are significant that they create a strong potential for a head-on collision when someone is going into the left lane because of a car parked in the street.  Look.  You see that big white slab of concrete by or in front of your house?  THAT's called your driveway.  That's where you're supposed to park.  STOP CONFUSING THE STREET FOR YOUR DRIVEWAY!

Big Bills

Tonight we had several customers use fifties and hundreds when their purchase was under ten dollars.  I want you to come closer to make sure you hear what I'm about to tell you.  Closer.  Closer.  Closer still.  I want your ears no more than a few inches from my face.  Perfect.  Now listen: WE'RE NOT A BANK!!!  We only have so many ones and fives.  Go to a bank during the week and GET some smaller bills!

Also, if I have my light off, that means my register is CLOSED.  When my register is closed, you go to the one where the light is ON.  If we have a closed sign on our conveyor belt, that means that this register is CLOSED.  Do not ask me if I can take you, the register is CLOSED.

A Crash Course on not being a Horrible Customer

I really think everyone should either take a course on how to be a good customer and not piss us off, or spend at least two weeks every two years as a cashier.  However, since that isn't the case, here's a crash course on how to avoid being a horrible customer:

1. A lot of cashiers will say don't talk on your cell phone while you're at the register.  Personally, I really don't care if you do.  I mean, sometimes I have to talk on the phone while I'm ringing you up, which is a real pain in the ass.  I suck at multitasking.  So it's only fair that sometimes you need to be on your cell while I'm ringing you up.  Plus, if you're on your cell phone, that means I don't have to talk to you.  Do you have any idea how tiresome it gets saying the same thing to every customer that comes through my line?

2. If I have to answer the phone while I'm ringing you up, please don't get mad at me.  Believe me, I'd much rather not have to answer it.  But it's either answer it or I get fired.  It's a huge pain for me to talk on the phone and focus on ringing you up at the same time.  I understand if you get frustrated.  Just don't get frustrated with me.

3. One of the best ways to piss me off?  Pay in all change, or hand me a twenty dollar bill for a two dollar total.  Especially on weekends.  We're not a bank.  We're not here to take all your change or give you smaller bills.  We only have so many ones and fives.  And our bank has shorter hours on weekends.  In fact, I don't know why ATMs like to pay in twenties.

3a. To piss me off further, when I ask you if you have any smaller bills, say something along the lines of "Yes, but I don't want to give you those because..."  As aggravating as it may be, it's one thing if it's the only bill you have.  If you tell me that you have smaller bills but refuse to use them, that's just downright ultimate jerkdom to a cashier.  At least lie to me and tell me you don't have smaller bills if you do but don't want to use them.

3b.  If you do give me smaller bills when I ask you if you have anything smaller, I will love you forever.

4. If I ask you if you need a bag, believe me: You DON'T NEED ONE!  Seriously people, you got ONE CARD.  I'm pretty sure you can carry that to your car without a bag.

My Worst Customer (so far)

So, I think I'll start out this blog by talking about my worst customer.  I was working the closing shift.  It was just me and the assistant manager.  I made the announcement over the intercom that we'd be closing in five minutes.  Three minutes before we were going to close, a lady walked in with two or three young kids--looked to be about six years old.  She gives them each a basket and says "I'll just be a minute".  Mmm hmm.  We all know how that goes.  Now, we don't kick customers out right at closing time.  We just don't let any other customers into the store.  We let the customers already in the store finish their shopping.  But of course, we like for them to finish up and get out asap.  Usually the customers finish up within a few minutes of closing.  The longer you stay after closing, the more pissed off we get.

Well, this lady who had come in with her kids three minutes before closing and gave them each baskets.  I think they were doing their Christmas shopping--this was about a week before Christmas.  It is also worth mentioning that there was one other customer in the store who had gotten in about ten or fifteen minutes before closing.  Well, the lady who had the kids finally comes up to my register, which was the only one open as the others had already been taken down for the night.  She puts the fifteen glasses she got onto the conveyor belt and says the'll be right back and goes, she says, to get her kids.  Okay, no big deal.  I ring up all her glasses, put them in newspaper, and bag them.  Still no sign of this lady.  A couple minutes go by.  Still no sign.  The other customer who was in the store comes up with a few items.  I had to call the manager over to do a post-void (basically a refund procedure clearing the sale) so I could ring up this other customer and get her out of here.

Finally, this lady and her kids come up to the register.  By this time we've been closed for about twenty minutes.  I unwrap one of the glasses and scan it fifteen times.  I ring up the stuff her kids brought up.  I give her her total and she says "oh, you know what?  I left my Discover gift card in the car."  The assistant manager overheard her and asks if she has any other forms of payment, to which she replies in a snotty voice "Well, that's what I'd like to pay with."  My manager unlocked the door for her to go out and get it.  And she sends one of her SIX YEAR OLD kids to get it!  When it's pitch black out!  Oh, and this isn't a particularly safe area of town either.  Finally, she got her stuff paid for and she left the store.  Sigh

So this woman did just about everything annoying that a customer can do.  What she didn't do I'll talk about later. First of all, she came in three minutes before closing with little kids!  Umm...hello?!  CLOSING SOON!  Secondly, she deserted her stuff on the conveyor belt forever for who knows what reason, thus causing an unnecessary delay for the other customer and causing us to have to do a post void.  Management frowns strongly upon post-voids.  But the thing that really pissed me off was her attitude about her payment. Look lady, you have other forms of payment, and I don't know if you noticed, but we're closed. We have LIVES to get to.  Here's an idea: use a different form of payment and use your Discover gift card at another place!  You'll still be spending the same amount of money either way.  Except in one way you'll avoid further pissing us off.  Then she sends her six year old kid into the dead of night in the middle of an unsafe area of town.  Someone call DCF.

Of course, in her defense, there are two things she didn't do that tend to be a pet peeve of cashiers: She didn't talk on her cellphone while at the register (actually, I don't mind people talking on their cell phone too much while at the register.  It just means I don't have to talk to them).  And she wasn't old.  Oh how I despise old people!  More on that in a future post.

Introduction

I am a college student and a cashier.  I work in the hell that is retail.  Fortunately, it's not always hell.  In fact, I quite enjoy my job.  It's those few annoying customers which I seem to get all too frequently that make me lose more faith in humanity than I ever knew I had, that make me want to go insane.  Why is the URL the Insane Cashier?  Because the url for an angry cashier blog was already taken.  Same with mad cashier and annoyed cashier.  I shake my first at you fellow bloggers!

So, you're probably wondering, who is this guy and where does he work?  Well, I work in a dollar store.  For my own safety and job security I won't say which one.  No, I won't say where.  As for who I am, go back to the beginning of this post.  Now you have all the relevant information you need to know about me.  You don't need to know anything else.  In this blog, I will share my interesting experiences in this purgatory called retail.  Stay tuned.