My Own Store

You know, sometimes I really wish I could run my own independent store.  Perhaps I will someday.  If I do, I will run it by these basic rules, which will also go up on a sign on the doors:

What We Expect of our Employees:
1. Show up on time, well-dressed and well-groomed.
2. Cellphones and other electronic devices off.
3. Provide exemplary customer service
4. Be curteous to our customers.
Violation of these simple rules will be grounds for termination of employment.


What We Expect Of Our Customers:
1. Be courteous to our employees.  Employees have the right to ignore extremely rude customers.
2. Refrain from texting or talking on your phone when checking out.  The decision as to whether or not to check out a customer who is texting or talking on their cell phone is the sole discretion of the employee.
3. If there's a line, be curteous and have your form of payment out when you get to the checkout counter.
4. If you have children, control them.  Don't let them make a mess of the store.
5. We are not a bank.  We will not accept bills that are more than twenty dollars larger than your total.  We will not accept all change for orders more than four dollars.
Failure to follow these simple rules may result in your removal from the store.

Food stamps

This post is a Two For One Special.  The other day I had two customers in my line.  I rang up the first man, who reeked of ciggarate smoke.  He got several of those little Five Hour Energy bottles.  I asked him (as I am required to do) if he wanted to purchase any candy from our register area.  He very angrily replied "Do I ever buy candy here?!"  Look, I don't care if you're a regular or not, I see hundreds of people per shift.  I'm not going to remember everyone.  And we have a bunch of regulars, so again, I'm not going to remember everyone.  Being asked if you would like to purchase candy is no reason to be a jackass about it.

The next customer came up and gave her the customary "Hello.  How are you?"  To which she replied "Good now that he's gone."  She went on about how she "can't stand ignorant people" and "how was I supposed to know he never bought candy?"  As I was scanning this customer's order and listening to her, I thought to myself  "I don't care what this customer does, I will love this customer forever."

Seriously, I love it when customers can relate to me like that and are aware of my frustration and even share it.  I finished ringing this customer's order up, which consisted of forty dollars of candy and a few drinks.  She went on to tell me about how her mother was visiting and was making the ultra-long drive home the next day so she wanted to get some candy for her mother for the ride home.  She then pays for it with a food stamp and says "This is why food stamps are great."  Warning: Controversy ahead.

My love for this customer instantly vanished.  Why does candy even qualify for food stamps in the first place!?  You're using MY tax dollars to get a ridiculous amount of candy for YOUR mother to eat on the way home?!  Really?!

Void where prohibited

Yesterday at work my item voids were pretty high--9 during my shift.  Now, for those who don't work in retail who are reading this blog, item voids are when you delete an item that you've already scanned for a purchase, usually because either the customer has changed his/her mind or you accidentally scanned something twice.

For some reason, management and corporate make a big deal out of item voids.  They hate item voids.  They get upset with us when we have too many.  But seriously, I don't get what the big deal is.  Can anyone enlighten me on this?

On an unrelated note

People who park on the street.  WHY?!  There are several people who park on the street in my neighborhood.  It's a pain in the ass, especially when two people park their cars directly across the street from each other.  The curves on the streets in my neighborhood aren't very significant, but they are significant that they create a strong potential for a head-on collision when someone is going into the left lane because of a car parked in the street.  Look.  You see that big white slab of concrete by or in front of your house?  THAT's called your driveway.  That's where you're supposed to park.  STOP CONFUSING THE STREET FOR YOUR DRIVEWAY!

Big Bills

Tonight we had several customers use fifties and hundreds when their purchase was under ten dollars.  I want you to come closer to make sure you hear what I'm about to tell you.  Closer.  Closer.  Closer still.  I want your ears no more than a few inches from my face.  Perfect.  Now listen: WE'RE NOT A BANK!!!  We only have so many ones and fives.  Go to a bank during the week and GET some smaller bills!

Also, if I have my light off, that means my register is CLOSED.  When my register is closed, you go to the one where the light is ON.  If we have a closed sign on our conveyor belt, that means that this register is CLOSED.  Do not ask me if I can take you, the register is CLOSED.

A Crash Course on not being a Horrible Customer

I really think everyone should either take a course on how to be a good customer and not piss us off, or spend at least two weeks every two years as a cashier.  However, since that isn't the case, here's a crash course on how to avoid being a horrible customer:

1. A lot of cashiers will say don't talk on your cell phone while you're at the register.  Personally, I really don't care if you do.  I mean, sometimes I have to talk on the phone while I'm ringing you up, which is a real pain in the ass.  I suck at multitasking.  So it's only fair that sometimes you need to be on your cell while I'm ringing you up.  Plus, if you're on your cell phone, that means I don't have to talk to you.  Do you have any idea how tiresome it gets saying the same thing to every customer that comes through my line?

2. If I have to answer the phone while I'm ringing you up, please don't get mad at me.  Believe me, I'd much rather not have to answer it.  But it's either answer it or I get fired.  It's a huge pain for me to talk on the phone and focus on ringing you up at the same time.  I understand if you get frustrated.  Just don't get frustrated with me.

3. One of the best ways to piss me off?  Pay in all change, or hand me a twenty dollar bill for a two dollar total.  Especially on weekends.  We're not a bank.  We're not here to take all your change or give you smaller bills.  We only have so many ones and fives.  And our bank has shorter hours on weekends.  In fact, I don't know why ATMs like to pay in twenties.

3a. To piss me off further, when I ask you if you have any smaller bills, say something along the lines of "Yes, but I don't want to give you those because..."  As aggravating as it may be, it's one thing if it's the only bill you have.  If you tell me that you have smaller bills but refuse to use them, that's just downright ultimate jerkdom to a cashier.  At least lie to me and tell me you don't have smaller bills if you do but don't want to use them.

3b.  If you do give me smaller bills when I ask you if you have anything smaller, I will love you forever.

4. If I ask you if you need a bag, believe me: You DON'T NEED ONE!  Seriously people, you got ONE CARD.  I'm pretty sure you can carry that to your car without a bag.

My Worst Customer (so far)

So, I think I'll start out this blog by talking about my worst customer.  I was working the closing shift.  It was just me and the assistant manager.  I made the announcement over the intercom that we'd be closing in five minutes.  Three minutes before we were going to close, a lady walked in with two or three young kids--looked to be about six years old.  She gives them each a basket and says "I'll just be a minute".  Mmm hmm.  We all know how that goes.  Now, we don't kick customers out right at closing time.  We just don't let any other customers into the store.  We let the customers already in the store finish their shopping.  But of course, we like for them to finish up and get out asap.  Usually the customers finish up within a few minutes of closing.  The longer you stay after closing, the more pissed off we get.

Well, this lady who had come in with her kids three minutes before closing and gave them each baskets.  I think they were doing their Christmas shopping--this was about a week before Christmas.  It is also worth mentioning that there was one other customer in the store who had gotten in about ten or fifteen minutes before closing.  Well, the lady who had the kids finally comes up to my register, which was the only one open as the others had already been taken down for the night.  She puts the fifteen glasses she got onto the conveyor belt and says the'll be right back and goes, she says, to get her kids.  Okay, no big deal.  I ring up all her glasses, put them in newspaper, and bag them.  Still no sign of this lady.  A couple minutes go by.  Still no sign.  The other customer who was in the store comes up with a few items.  I had to call the manager over to do a post-void (basically a refund procedure clearing the sale) so I could ring up this other customer and get her out of here.

Finally, this lady and her kids come up to the register.  By this time we've been closed for about twenty minutes.  I unwrap one of the glasses and scan it fifteen times.  I ring up the stuff her kids brought up.  I give her her total and she says "oh, you know what?  I left my Discover gift card in the car."  The assistant manager overheard her and asks if she has any other forms of payment, to which she replies in a snotty voice "Well, that's what I'd like to pay with."  My manager unlocked the door for her to go out and get it.  And she sends one of her SIX YEAR OLD kids to get it!  When it's pitch black out!  Oh, and this isn't a particularly safe area of town either.  Finally, she got her stuff paid for and she left the store.  Sigh

So this woman did just about everything annoying that a customer can do.  What she didn't do I'll talk about later. First of all, she came in three minutes before closing with little kids!  Umm...hello?!  CLOSING SOON!  Secondly, she deserted her stuff on the conveyor belt forever for who knows what reason, thus causing an unnecessary delay for the other customer and causing us to have to do a post void.  Management frowns strongly upon post-voids.  But the thing that really pissed me off was her attitude about her payment. Look lady, you have other forms of payment, and I don't know if you noticed, but we're closed. We have LIVES to get to.  Here's an idea: use a different form of payment and use your Discover gift card at another place!  You'll still be spending the same amount of money either way.  Except in one way you'll avoid further pissing us off.  Then she sends her six year old kid into the dead of night in the middle of an unsafe area of town.  Someone call DCF.

Of course, in her defense, there are two things she didn't do that tend to be a pet peeve of cashiers: She didn't talk on her cellphone while at the register (actually, I don't mind people talking on their cell phone too much while at the register.  It just means I don't have to talk to them).  And she wasn't old.  Oh how I despise old people!  More on that in a future post.

Introduction

I am a college student and a cashier.  I work in the hell that is retail.  Fortunately, it's not always hell.  In fact, I quite enjoy my job.  It's those few annoying customers which I seem to get all too frequently that make me lose more faith in humanity than I ever knew I had, that make me want to go insane.  Why is the URL the Insane Cashier?  Because the url for an angry cashier blog was already taken.  Same with mad cashier and annoyed cashier.  I shake my first at you fellow bloggers!

So, you're probably wondering, who is this guy and where does he work?  Well, I work in a dollar store.  For my own safety and job security I won't say which one.  No, I won't say where.  As for who I am, go back to the beginning of this post.  Now you have all the relevant information you need to know about me.  You don't need to know anything else.  In this blog, I will share my interesting experiences in this purgatory called retail.  Stay tuned.